I seem to have spent the vast majority of the last few months bitching about Canadian Immigration to anyone who'll listen. I'm sure the guy who works at my local Deli and the Thai lady who hoovers the communal areas of our apartment building could quite happily put together a ten page report on the shortcomings of the Immigration process. I really ought to change the record; however it seems just as I'm ready to accept that my fate is squarely in the hands of a bunch of 'tards in the redneck wilds of Alberta and shut up already something else happens to set me off. But even those who are frequently overcome with the urge to gag me with anything that comes to hand (i.e. Michael, who is slowly realising - way too late - just how much I can talk...) cannot deny me the right to bitch about the latest developments in my quest to become Canadian:
I am now an ILLEGAL FRIGGING IMMIGRANT!!!
Yes, that's right. Me. The One and Only Juan (TM) - friend to the stars (well, I have met Cat Deely and I once danced with Margi Clarke at a Cream all-nighter) and former beauty queen (OK so that's not true but if my mother was a little more pushy in my childhood I'm sure it could be) am now forced to move around under the cover of darkness and work 16-hour days on building sites for $3 per hour. OK, so that's not true either but allow me to milk as much drama out of my new status as possible...
Allow me to explain... I arrived in Canada on 31st December 2005. As a UK citizen, I am allowed 6 months here without a visa. So, my passport states that I must leave by 30th June 2006. Now, despite having followed all the rules and applying for an extention of my visitor-status SIX WEEKS AGO I still haven't had my request granted. Why? Because there is a delay in the processing centre. My forms probably haven't even been opened yet, as the latest inbred at the Government Call Centre kindly explained to me. I resisted the urge to tell her that the lazy bitches were probably too busy inhaling meat and potato pies, hiding out in the smoke room or doing the 'Woman's Weekly' crossword (I've worked in call centres so I know these things) - electing instead to take the high road, accept my powerlessness and (I admit it) enjoy the drama.
I mean, come ON - how many white British illegal immigrants do YOU know?
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3 comments:
Bloody hell Britton it could only happen to you. I was just telling a friend at work this morning about the whole scoring a blind date with the lawyer who met your boyfriend on the internet fiasco. Now I log on and find out you are masquerading as an illegal alien in Canada. You really should write a book. Actually forget that because noone would beleive it! Nevr change John, and remember you are sorely missed.
Its no big deal John. Iv had similar experiences. I once sneaked into Nobles Bingo without paying the entrance fee. The other week i didnt wash my wrist thus allowing a second entry to a drag show from the week before's stamp.
You will be fine love. Oh sorry for waking you up tonight. Im just a bit lonely at the moment. Despite the high life. When i read your mail i thought you would still be up.
Bev x x
Have you ever thought of becoming "The" high pitched TV broadcast signal?
Man, can you talk!
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