Sweet baby jesus and the orphans. I don't think I have ever been in as much pain in my entire life. Not when I broke my collar bone. Not when my appendix burst. Not even when I got stuck in a cab for two hours with a driver who insisted on playing Celine Dion's Greatest Hits... Mount Kinanbalu is EVIL in rock form. My legs have snapped, my knees have popped out and I am brain-damaged from lack of oxygen; what an INCREDIBLE experience, and an amazing climax to The Best Year of My Life (so far).
We first saw Mt Kinanbalu as we took a 35 minute flight from Kota Kinabalu to Sandakan. It was such a short flight that we only got to 20,000 feet before we descended. The whole of Borneo was covered with a smooth sheet of cloud and the ONLY thing visible in this sea of white was the mountain, erupting suddenly like a huge grey crown. As we passed on the plane two thoughts struck me - 1) that this thing looked unreal, like one of those badly-painted backdrops in a disaster movie. It was that big. And 2) we would be standing on top of it in a few days. There are two routes to the summit. The not-very-originally-named 'Summit Trail' and the I-have-no-idea-why-it's-called-this 'Messilau Trail'. The vast majority of people opt for the Summit Trail, because the Messilau Trail is 2.5km longer. Doesn't sound a lot, but at this altitude and gradient 2.5km is the difference between badly laboured breathing and a collapsed lung. Guess which trail we opted for? So, on the whole first day of the ascent we only saw four other people on the Messilau. It was gruelling but beautiful, climbing through cloud forrest and past huge pitcher plants and giant bonsai trees. At 6km, our trail joined the regular trail for the final 2km haul to the rest house. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw - 2km has NEVER been such an ordeal. We finally reached the 11,000 feet point and collapsed into bed. We had to be up at 2am for the summit climb, and we were SO exhausted. Sleep was to be a sweet releif, but thanks to a rowdy group of Chinese kids in the corridor and a man in our dorm who snored so loudly that5 I feared there might be an avalance, I didn't sleep for even one minute. Next thing, it's 2am and we're stumbling around getting dressed for the climb. Now, let me tell you a little bit about my experience of 2am. At this ungodly hour I have only EVER been a) fast asleep b) watching telly with my cat on my lap or c) stumbling home from the club clutching a kebab or a Georgian Chippy pie. Yet somehow here I was at 11,000 feet preparing to climb another 3,000 feet to the summit of the highest mountain in SE Asia. There are moments in everyone's life where you stop and think 'what in God's name am I doing?' and this was definitely one of those moments.
The summit climb was, in a word, tortuous. Relentlessly vertical, pitch black, freezing cold and over endless expanses of cold, wet sheet rock. Without doubt the most challenging hours of my life. I was so close to quitting. I sang two entire albums in my head from start to finish - "I'm Breathless' by Madonna (no pun intended!) and 'Jagged Little Pill' by Alanis. I had to keep myself sane. We reached the summit at 6am and watched the light break. No summit views - the clouds saw to that - but the feeling of accomplishement was incomparable. We may not have had the views from the summit, but as we descended again in daylight the views over Borneo were breathtaking. Or maybe that was the lack of oxygen... One thing that DID strike me as we decended in daylight was the sheer scale of the mountain. Seeing in the cold light of day what we had clambered over in the pitch black hours before was really quite scary. Sitting here typing this now, it all seems like a half-remembered dream whose finer details have been exaggerated. I will never forget those two days. And neither, I suspect, will Denise...
So, I am into the final stretch. Three days in Kota Kinabalu to drink and dance with Niece before I head back to England. I'll be back on British terra firma on Monday 5th Deember and I am so excited. This adventure is ending and my new one is about to begin. Can't quite bring myself to sign off; I have a good few hours to kill at Singapore airport on Sunday so I'll save my swan-song post for then.
Ciao bellas
John xx
ps) Thanks to my amazing friends for your support. Of all the emails and comments, only two were negative. I love and miss you all so much. And Wendy-Woo you are SO right - Mary White was spot on! Please can we go and see her again before I leave? xx
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9 comments:
It's all very well you finding love John but what about ME, ME, ME? 15 nearly 16 years of my sick and twisted life I have generously shared with you. I have watched your pie rolling down the road in Blackpool, whilst I pee behind a bus stop. My Mrs Kay anacdotes will mean nothing. I mean for god sake who the hell is going to just nod when I'm on my hands and knees blind drunk with you holding my hair away from the pile of sick whilst I whail at the top of my voice "WHY WON'T ANYONE MARRY ME?" Selfish, that's what you are. It's just a good job I love you so I forgive you.
You know who x
Oh and another thing.... don't forget my pressie you travelling junkie punk! Monday sounds great. Soz I missed your call. OOOOWWWWW so excited. Better make that 16 nearly 17 years of my life...... just worked it out on my fingers. Give or take a few years, what the hell they are all strange. Oh and I take this opportunity to bagsy all of Johns worldly possessions before he goes. There you go in writing before you lot ha ha (oh John I cant take that, I just couldn't, no, no I can't oh go on then. Hey you dont happen to want this big pile of money in the corner do you? I could take that to the bank for you. My bank silly). Ring any bells? Ha ha x x
bloody hell joanne, that was quick off the mark!
Jesus H Christ, this is turning into a love-in! He's only been away 7 months, you know. And he's checked into a luxury hotel every three weeks and spent half his time away in Canada, not conquered bloody Everest! I think I'm gonna puke.
Would it be really unsporting of me to remind you all of some of the things we WON'T miss when he leaves these fair shores to pursue a third-rate career across the pond? Like his amazing ability to book three social events into one evening then let two people down at the last minute? Or how he feels sorry for sad pathetic individuals and ends up being their friends even though he really doesn't want to? Or the way he picks his toes and has a hairy back (Luke was a twat but fucking hell, you've got to give the boy bitch-points!!!). And have you ever HEARD him sing karaoke? On the plus side, he DID finally admit he was going bald and shave that pitiful thinning mop off his head, under the pretence that 'it will be easier to travel with'. PLEASE. I don't think I could stand to watch him delude himself any longer. One more set of cheap and nasty highlights and it would've fallen out of its own accord anyway.
Love you really. Guess who?!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
God you have some nice friends.
Can i borrow some? cos the fuckers back home arnt going on my blog or mailing me anymore. Getting a little pissed off with them. They can all fuck off when im taking my drag show around the globe and im on broadway and everything.
Love ya Johnny
Beverley Hills
www.waynewondertravels.blogspot.com
Let me tell you all, after reading the 8:38 a.m. blog from anonymous about John's toe picking, cheap hair highlighting, people ditching, false friend making behaviors, I almost called off the wedding. In haste,wedding presents received to date have been inadvertantly opened by roommate and his apartment is looking quite lovely. Can't wait to meet y'all. Love you baby. Mwwaaaahhhh!!!!!
That's my future husband!
ADVERT . .
The Bali Bummers Triology is out now in a boxed DVD set. Available from all good stockists.
Free bottle of "Betrayal" with all boxes for a limited time.
It started with a bottle of Vodka it ended in Betrayal. Aftermath and Revenge conclude this fabulous drama.
:-)
Guess Who?
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