Wow. What a strange, wonderful, scary few weeks it has been. Coming back to Vancouver has been the single most eye-opening part of the adventure so far. This is not just the effects of finally having some semblance of structure (not to mention a consistently warm, comfortable place to stay, constant hot water and sushi for under five dollars), but being back here really feels like coming home. Jen and Andrew - I can not thank you enough for your continued hospitality. And Shane, two minutes together and it's like 1997 all over again. I love you both so much. Familiarity is a wonderful thing. But it has also made me ache. For what, though, I am not entirely sure. Amidst the craziness of the last three weeks (and it HAS been crazy; a week with Jen, then Shane arrived and all hell broke loose, THEN Bob and Helen arrived and we drove to Banff for Pam's wedding. I need a week just to recover) I have had news from back home that has both thrilled me and knocked me sideways. My best friends are pregnant - Joanne with her third and (perhaps most significantly) Pete and Kirsty with their first. And then I find out that my brother and his wife and pregnant with their fourth (so much for being gay and therefore not having to worry about the cost of kids. If my friends and family don't quit soon Christmas will require a bank loan...).
As excited as I am, I am also gutted. I will miss out not only on all the births, but also sharing this fantastic time with the people that I love the most. And this may sound awfully selfish, but all this marriage and pregnancy, all this domestic stability that is shaping the lives of my friends, has caused me to have more than a few 'what the fuck am I doing?' moments of late. The giddy exhilaration of the last few months has at times given way to a feeling of emptiness. During the last few weeks I have felt a little adrift, wandering around at the age of 29 with no clue about my life, what I want to do with it and where I should do it once I have figured that out. Whilst the lives of the people I love take an ever more constant and stable form, mine seems to be unraveling at an alarming rate. Am I doing this backwards? Also, Bob leaves for good in two days and I will well and truly be on my own. We won't see each other now until next summer and I can't help but feel the last few months has finally marked the end of an era for us both. I know we'll always be part of each other's lives but it's sad in a way because because I know things will never be the same again. Sometimes your life moves forward with such force and significance that you can actually hear the gears changing...
However... now the wedding's over, Bob's on his way and the shock of the pregnancies has settled, now that plans are afoot for the next leg of the trip in SE Asia with Denise, the insecurities and uncertainties are once again fading away. Looking again to the future, I realise more than ever how much I needed this year. This time last year I was caught up in Luke and certain that that one was going to go the distance and when I think about how far I have come from that and where I am now, the giddy buzz of possibility kicks in and I realise that this is one chapter in my life that will play exactly my way. The ending may not be written yet but so far the story is shaping up nicely...
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3 comments:
John John John John John. Self pity should be reserved for those who have something to pity. As someone 'with child', let me just say that I have PLENTY to pity. And although I can totally sympathise with the loss you must be feeling whilst swanning around exotic places with not a care in the world I must also point out that I have been upsince 5am with an ungrateful antichrist who vomittedm all over the bedroom and then draw on the living room wall in lipstick. Trade you.
Love you lots darling, chin up and remember there are many people in the world you left behind who think of you often and miss your sparkling presence very much. Come back to work it isnt the same without you x0x0
Hi John
It's normal to have to these moments of confusion when you are doing something as major as this. Glad the feeling of drifting has passed and you have moved on (somewhat quickly I noticed!) from your fantasies of babies and marriage. I really can't see you chained to a kitchen sink, pushing a three seater stroller around Avenham Park a la Vickie Pollard or cleaning up baby sick at 5am... I CAN see you continuing to embrace this experience, meeting lots of new friends (as you always will, being you) and tearing up Asia with your usual flair and style. Enjoy and I'll keep my eye on your travels with anticipation (and also a little apprehension....!)
e mail soon john . . wonder x x
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