Wow. What a strange, wonderful, scary few weeks it has been. Coming back to Vancouver has been the single most eye-opening part of the adventure so far. This is not just the effects of finally having some semblance of structure (not to mention a consistently warm, comfortable place to stay, constant hot water and sushi for under five dollars), but being back here really feels like coming home. Jen and Andrew - I can not thank you enough for your continued hospitality. And Shane, two minutes together and it's like 1997 all over again. I love you both so much. Familiarity is a wonderful thing. But it has also made me ache. For what, though, I am not entirely sure. Amidst the craziness of the last three weeks (and it HAS been crazy; a week with Jen, then Shane arrived and all hell broke loose, THEN Bob and Helen arrived and we drove to Banff for Pam's wedding. I need a week just to recover) I have had news from back home that has both thrilled me and knocked me sideways. My best friends are pregnant - Joanne with her third and (perhaps most significantly) Pete and Kirsty with their first. And then I find out that my brother and his wife and pregnant with their fourth (so much for being gay and therefore not having to worry about the cost of kids. If my friends and family don't quit soon Christmas will require a bank loan...).
As excited as I am, I am also gutted. I will miss out not only on all the births, but also sharing this fantastic time with the people that I love the most. And this may sound awfully selfish, but all this marriage and pregnancy, all this domestic stability that is shaping the lives of my friends, has caused me to have more than a few 'what the fuck am I doing?' moments of late. The giddy exhilaration of the last few months has at times given way to a feeling of emptiness. During the last few weeks I have felt a little adrift, wandering around at the age of 29 with no clue about my life, what I want to do with it and where I should do it once I have figured that out. Whilst the lives of the people I love take an ever more constant and stable form, mine seems to be unraveling at an alarming rate. Am I doing this backwards? Also, Bob leaves for good in two days and I will well and truly be on my own. We won't see each other now until next summer and I can't help but feel the last few months has finally marked the end of an era for us both. I know we'll always be part of each other's lives but it's sad in a way because because I know things will never be the same again. Sometimes your life moves forward with such force and significance that you can actually hear the gears changing...
However... now the wedding's over, Bob's on his way and the shock of the pregnancies has settled, now that plans are afoot for the next leg of the trip in SE Asia with Denise, the insecurities and uncertainties are once again fading away. Looking again to the future, I realise more than ever how much I needed this year. This time last year I was caught up in Luke and certain that that one was going to go the distance and when I think about how far I have come from that and where I am now, the giddy buzz of possibility kicks in and I realise that this is one chapter in my life that will play exactly my way. The ending may not be written yet but so far the story is shaping up nicely...
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Friday, August 05, 2005
I'm a star in New York, I'm a star in LA...
I have spent the last week in holiday mode, which isn't good. In South America I found myself walking past restaurants because a meal was 50p cheaper up the road. Four weeks in the USA, whizzing around in a convertible with a CD player and fast food on every corner and I am now spending five dollars in a service station on coffee and snacks that I don't really need, or want. Quite bizarre when you consider that not too long ago I was haggling on a street corner in Guatemala with a shoeless old woman about her overpriced bananas... I guess the States will do that to you. I have also developed an unhealthy addiction to beef jerky... It's amazing how quickly you adapt to a culture when you are suddenly and completely exposed to it.
A major irony about this leg of the trip is how difficult things have been. In S andCentral America internet was ridiculously cheap and always available, calling home was a breeze and finding cheap and mostly clean accommodation was a doddle. Here I find myself struggling with overpriced phone cards, automated response telephone services ('to hear these instructions in English, press 1. To stab your eyes out with frustration because all you want to do is speak to a bloody human being, press 2) and retarded 17 year old customer services assistants called LaFwonda and Shanice. As for accommodation, well, I have stayed in some true horrors over the last two weeks. In Utah the only place for miles was a Bates Motel rip off where it was 110 degress with no aircon and I was attacked in the middle of the night by a swarm of beasties that got in under the two inch gap in the door. Couldn't get a room in Vegas as there was a huge convention on so ended up driving twenty miles out of the city at one in the morning and stayed at a place that clearly hadn't been refurbed since it opened in 1974. All tweed lampshades and orange plastic chairs. Actually I quite liked it there... And my personal favourite; the 'Encore Motel' in LA, whose banner proudly advertised them as having 'Hourly rates! Mirrored rooms! Free adult movies!' and which was conveniently located next to a 24 hour sex hypermarket with a twenty foot sign outside screaming 'Vaginas R Us!' Classy. After a thorough inspection of the sheets for any dubious stains I managed to catch about 45 minutes sleep...
So, a pretty adventurous couple of weeks what with canyon hiking, gambling and dodging hookers. Oh, also met up with Alison in Vegas for a few cheeky drinks and a good old gossip, which was fab. She delivered to me a new mobile (back up and running... 07974 312524) and also an iPod courtesy of the saintly Mr Battersby, fully loaded with 8,000 tracks (most of which is my CD collection). How did I ever live without it? I have named him Colin and he is truly the love of my life... I have decided to go back to New York for a spell after Canada, then back to Vancouver. Also going to take a road trip (in Idaho! How random?) with the two guys I met at Cedar Point, so won't be hitting Asia 'til I meet Denise in October. Well, what the hell is an itinerary for if you can't completely change it at huge cost?
Well must dash, got a plane to catch. Next stop Vancouver for some gin fuelled frolics with old friends and the wedding of a certain Miss Owen...
Hugs and loveliness to all
John xx
A major irony about this leg of the trip is how difficult things have been. In S andCentral America internet was ridiculously cheap and always available, calling home was a breeze and finding cheap and mostly clean accommodation was a doddle. Here I find myself struggling with overpriced phone cards, automated response telephone services ('to hear these instructions in English, press 1. To stab your eyes out with frustration because all you want to do is speak to a bloody human being, press 2) and retarded 17 year old customer services assistants called LaFwonda and Shanice. As for accommodation, well, I have stayed in some true horrors over the last two weeks. In Utah the only place for miles was a Bates Motel rip off where it was 110 degress with no aircon and I was attacked in the middle of the night by a swarm of beasties that got in under the two inch gap in the door. Couldn't get a room in Vegas as there was a huge convention on so ended up driving twenty miles out of the city at one in the morning and stayed at a place that clearly hadn't been refurbed since it opened in 1974. All tweed lampshades and orange plastic chairs. Actually I quite liked it there... And my personal favourite; the 'Encore Motel' in LA, whose banner proudly advertised them as having 'Hourly rates! Mirrored rooms! Free adult movies!' and which was conveniently located next to a 24 hour sex hypermarket with a twenty foot sign outside screaming 'Vaginas R Us!' Classy. After a thorough inspection of the sheets for any dubious stains I managed to catch about 45 minutes sleep...
So, a pretty adventurous couple of weeks what with canyon hiking, gambling and dodging hookers. Oh, also met up with Alison in Vegas for a few cheeky drinks and a good old gossip, which was fab. She delivered to me a new mobile (back up and running... 07974 312524) and also an iPod courtesy of the saintly Mr Battersby, fully loaded with 8,000 tracks (most of which is my CD collection). How did I ever live without it? I have named him Colin and he is truly the love of my life... I have decided to go back to New York for a spell after Canada, then back to Vancouver. Also going to take a road trip (in Idaho! How random?) with the two guys I met at Cedar Point, so won't be hitting Asia 'til I meet Denise in October. Well, what the hell is an itinerary for if you can't completely change it at huge cost?
Well must dash, got a plane to catch. Next stop Vancouver for some gin fuelled frolics with old friends and the wedding of a certain Miss Owen...
Hugs and loveliness to all
John xx
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