Gentlemen Prefer Balds...

Tonight Matthew I'm going to be.... Uncle Fester!!!!

Well, I've joined the ranks of Brad Pitt, David Beckham and, er, Sigourney Weaver in 'Alien 3' - I am bald! I had my head shaved for charity last week at work. OK, so I'm not strictly 'bald' - I got a number 1 - but my rapidly decreasing hairline (check out that widow's peak!) means that even though there's a smattering of fuzz on there you have to have a keen eye to spot it... The whole thing was nowhere near as traumatic as I had imagined - which to a drama-queen like me is a MAJOR disappointment. For WEEKS now I have been bleating on to anyone who'll listen about my impending loss, readying myself for hysterical laughter from everyone I meet and even preparing to spend countless hours glumly stroking my shiny head (leave it!). So, has this terrible catastrophe occurred? Have I been allowed to wallow in my very own Shakespearean Tragedy? Oh no. Everyone just looks at it for a bit and goes 'oh.... looks OK dunnit?' What a friggin' anti-climax. The only person who displayed a reaction bordering on satisfactory was Joanne, who screamed the house down. I can always rely on Jo to indulge my inner-Diva...

Anyways whether it suits me or not it HAD to go. I simply CANNOT bear the thought of wheezing through the white-hot wilds of Guatemala, several hundred miles away from the nearest bottle of L'Oreal, with a sweaty, greasy mullet plastered to my forehead. And don't even get me started on venturing out in public without a full compliment of styling products tarting up my barnett... Thanks to everyone who sponsored me - in total I raised nearly £650 for Saint Catherine's Hospice. I did consider donating the money the the 'John Needs A New Back-Pack And They're @!*%"!@* Expensive' Foundation but on reflection I decided the need of the Hospice is (marginally) greater...

THINGS I'LL MISS ABOUT MY HAIR:

• The way it bounces when I run for the bus
• How it glistens in the early morning sun as I throw my head back in raucous laughter
• Running my fingers through it seductively as I catch the eye of a handsome stranger

Sorry, I am momentarily lost in a Pantene-advert fantasy...

THINGS I MOST CERTAINLY WILL NOT MISS:

• Its narky temperament; like the way that if I put too LITTLE wax on it fluffs up like a bad afro and makes me look like Foxy Cleopatra...
• And the way that if I put too MUCH wax on it goes all chip-pan chic
• And the way 'too much wax' and 'too little wax' varies wildly depending on its mood
• The widow's peak that was so severe you could wedge a door with it and the bald patch the size of Texas...

On balance, although I look like a thug (until I move or speak, that is...) I think this was definitely the right move. Goodbye my thinning old friend - I shall miss our turbulent relationship.

Juan-cle Fester x