Meet Denise!

Note: bandage on leg. Result of unfortunate vodka /Harley Davidson interface. Hardly inspires confidence in upcoming travels...

AKA - 'Neice' and 'Dory' (latter on account of personality traits similar to nice-but-dim blue fish in 'Finding Nemo'...

Denise will be joining this crazy roadshow in late October.

What can I say about Niece that hasn’t already been said in open court? A wonderful friend, an amazingly tough cookie (although I’ve seen it after several litres of Kumala Chenin Blanc – there IS a soft centre under that impenetrable exterior…) and in all honesty the inspiration for this trip. She also used to have a swanky red convertible car, which always boosts a friend up the ranks, and we spent many a happy hour with the roof down, cruising the ‘hoods of Preston and listening to Kylie on loop. Odd looks from the local ‘yoofs’, Bridget-Jones hair from the wind and weather so cold we had nipples like plumbers thumbs. Ah, memories… Like me, Denise had a well-paid but ultimately unfulfilling job (I believe the term is ‘Senior Industry Fodder’). So what did the girl do? She buggered off on a trip round the World that ended up with her doing all sorts of fancy qualifications in SCUBA diving. As you do. Now works on a little boat in the Caribbean taking fat, rich Americans on dives, ensuring they have a fabulous holiday and then fleecing them for free drinks when they get back to land on a Friday night. Unrivalled passion for Stock, Aitkin and Waterman (well, unrivalled except by me) and after all these years STILL doesn’t know all of Jason’s bits in ‘Especially For You’ (despite extensive tuition). What a woman!

On the flip side, has an unnerving penchant for Rick Astley (usually at 4AM and accompanied by an impromptu ‘exotic dance’ on the back of the sofa) and an even more unnerving habit of sleepwalking. Or ‘sleep lunacy’, as I like to call it. This often results in her jumping round the room like something from ‘Poltergeist’ or getting in to bed with you and waking you up by screaming in your face. Nice. Rather worryingly, Niece is the ‘expert’ on this trip, as she’s 'done it before'. George W. Bush has 'done it before'; does that make it OK? To end on a positive note – she survived. Surely that counts for something?

Welcome! Bienvenue, welcome...

Hey hey! Welcome to my travel journal – and my first post! I am new to this (introduced by a very dear friend – check her out at thedivinemisscreant.blogspot.com) and I am by my own admission lazy and disorganised, so this Blog might take a while to get off the ground. But like a good Scotch, Hitchcock movies and Brad Pitt, it will get better with age - so stick with it! Which is what Jennifer Aniston should have done…

In May 2005, I am going travelling. Not just a quick whiz round Torremelinos either; we’re talking the real deal. I am surrendering my life – and everything I’ve collected along the way – to see the World. I’m trading in the hair-straighteners for a shaved head and swapping the capacious wardrobe for a scant back-pack (sample quote from my friend Denise – ‘you do realise that it’s one back-pack don’t you? Not one for clothes, one for shoes and one for cosmetics?’ More on her later…). And my intention is to document the whole thing. I guess I’m doing this for myself as something to look back on. One day, me and my best friends Madonna and Kylie will read this and laugh as we sip Crystal on the sun terrace of my shamelessly indulgent beach house in Key West… Until May, those of you with a penchant for the incessant ramblings of a dizzy puff can read about my thoughts, my feelings and my shocking inability to pack my life into a rucksack. Cheer with me as I hand my notice in at work! Choke back your tears as I say goodbye to my darling cat Blackie! And share in my despair as I style my hair for the very last time! It will all be here. After May, I fully intend to update wherever I can get an internet hook-up (which let’s face it is pretty much everywhere nowadays, right?). Before you know it, this Blog will be crammed with tales about how I'm upsetting the locals, disrupting ancient cultures and generally just doing what I do best – stumbling through life oblivious to the chaos and damage I am causing to everything around me. Which pretty much sums up what 99.9% of the planet’s population is doing anyway…

The more observant types amongst you have probably noted that ‘Girls on Tour’ is a plural. As Velma said to Roxy – ‘I just can’t do it alone!’ Well that's not strictly true - I can, and I will. Although the majority of the next year will be spent on my lonesome, two people who are very dear to me are coming along for certain parts of the ride. Read more about them in my next post...

Ciao for now, and remember – be good. And if you can’t be good…. Be really really bad!!!!!

John x