Aaron Spelling, eat yer heart out!

LAGUNA VISTA - A 24-STOREY HOTBED OF PASSION AND INTRIGUE!

Well, me and the old man are on the move. Again. As of 1st November, our new address will be:

806 Laguna Vista
2020 Haro Street
Vancouver BC
V6G 1J3

And although I look forward to packing and moving the same way I look forward to major dental surgery, I am actually pretty excited. In other words, I hate living in Gastown with a passion usually reserved for new Celine Dion material; I can't friggin' WAIT to move out. It's a pretty part of town, for sure; the streets are tree-lined and there's hanging baskets on every lamp-post, the buildings are funky and squeeky clean, the spectacular cruise ship terminal is just up the road, and Water Street is FULL of shops - unfortunately, all they sell is maple syrup fudge, cigars and 'Vancouver' snow-shakers. If you want a pint of milk or any other kind of grocery item, you have to hike 20 blocks across town. Aforementioned cruise ship terminal spews out a constant stream of huge-arsed, clueless Americans onto Water Street, and as for the Steam Clock.... sweet baby Jesus, the Steam Clock. The fucking STEAM CLOCK! The tourists LOVE it. They line the street patiently all day long to watch this quaint old clock fart out its merry tune. Then they leave. The lucky, LUCKY bastards. Us residents are subjected to this retarded, out of tune tooting every friggin' fifteen minutes of every single friggin' DAY. Imagine the insanity brought on by Chinese water torture. Multiply it by 100. Cube this figure. And you are not even CLOSE...

Anyway... it's back to the glorious West End for the Brittonfelds. This means countless shops and funky cafes, fabulous bars and restaurants, the ocean and park on the doorstep and a glittering new 2 bedroom apartment with balcony and unobstructed views across Lost Lagoon and the mountains. And those of you with even a passing sense of irony will note that the name of our new building sounds like a cheap and trashy American Soap opera...

It's got glitz. It's got glamour. It's got lipstick. it's got foot-long shoulder pads. It's got incest. It's got intrigue. It's got more lipstick.

Welcome... to LAGUNA VISTA!

Sundays 9pm (7 Central)

The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence

Last weekend was Vancouver Pride. If you want to read a little more about it, in a writing style that's infinitely superior to my own, check out my darling friend Jennifer's own blog, link on the right - The Divine Ms. Creant). In the meantime, I think this photo pretty much sums it up.

"So, how was your weekend?"

"Oh, pretty quiet. Met friends for brunch, drank a tanker full of beer, got sexually harrassed by a gang of hairy nuns. You know, the usual..."

xxx

How bizarre life continues to be.

Picture the scene. It's July 1988. A 12-year old John tears home from school, throws his 'Dunlop' school bag (my family couldn't afford Adidas back then) on the kitchen floor and bolts for his bedroom, eager to get his daily fix of a little-known TV show called 'Neighbours'. A routine that was, I guess, a part of normal life for the vast majority of kids back then. After drinking his fill of Ramsey St. shenannigans on his 12" portable, he switches on the Alba stereo system (if there's no cash for Adidas, then there certainly isn't any cash for anything even approaching a quality sound system), eagerly rewinds last night's top 20 countdown on the tape player and, hairbrush in hand, proceeds to fling himself around his room, miming his little heart out to the latest hit du jour, a popular song by one of the 'Neighbours' cast. Now, young John's fondness for Kylie is no great secret, as attested by the countless 'Smash Hits!' posters that adorn his walls. It's a sad obession, in fact, that will follow him into adulthood. But it isn't Kylie that has a hold on John's heart (or stereo) this week. It's not 'I Should Be So Lucky' blasting from that poor excuse for a music centre. It's a shameful secret he can induldge in because his Aunt and Uncle are still at work and his classmates will never know... that, in fact, John is madly in (schoolboy) love with and is currently doing his best impersonation of...... Jason Donovan! He knows all the words to 'Too Many Broken Hearts' and by God, is he working it. You see, young John's developing mind knows that what he is doing (or feeling, for that matter) would not be socially acceptable, at least not for some years and probably not ever in Leyland, Lancashire. He doesn't know the word for the way he is, but he knows it's got to be kept quiet, at least for now. He's scribbled 'JB 4 JD' on his schoolbooks and then torn the page into twenty pieces in case anybody saw. He's kissed the back of his hand and had tingly thoughts about Scott Ramsey. He's seen Jason's album in the record shop but was afraid to buy it in case he got teased and bought 'Sinitta' instead because boys like girls and that's OK. He's scared and excited and ashamed.

Picture the scene. It's July 2006. Fully growed-up John (at least physically, if not mentally) sits in a giggly wine-haze on the sofa in an apartment 4,500 miles away whilst his 43-year old Canadian husband (also in a giggly wine haze) flings himself around the lounge doing a song-mime for his amusement. It seems Michael has stumbled across a CD of John's - 'The Best of Stock, Aitken and Waterman' - and despite never having experienced the whole 'Kylie/Jason/Neighbours' phenomenon and never having heard the track before today he has developed a deep love for a certain song. It has been on loop in the apartment for the last four hours and even though he hasn't grasped all the words Michael is doing his best sing-along to... 'Too Many Broken Hearts'.

It's bizarre and wonderful and makes me feel all warm and nostalgic. Anyone who's ever met me will know I have a fondness for reminiscing. I spend rather a lot of time visiting the past. And I can honestly say that if I had a time machine right now, and could only visit only one place, I'd set the dial for July 1998 and revisit that bedroom. I'd introduce myself to 12-year old me and I'd bend over and whisper in his ear.

I'd tell him it was all going to be alright.

Viva La Diva

I think what you fill your time with when you're bored says SOOOO much about you. Example: I am currently "at work" (yes, that was an intentional use of air-quotes as I'm still selflessly giving up valuable sunbathing time as a volunteer) and it's really quiet today. I have a few hours and a PC at my disposable, so what am I doing? Am I:

A) Looking for ways to make my front-desk duties more efficient?
B) Brushing up on my corporate knowledge to make me better at my job?
C) Polishing my CV ready to blanket-cover Vancouver when I finally get my work permit?
D) Looking up amusing 'drag names' online?

If you said D) - you know me so well....

So... here are some of my favourites:

• Eva Destruction
• Ida Slapter
• Ivana Cockatoo
• DeVoida Taste
• Ethel Nitrate
• DeManda Hump
• Summer Clearance
• Tanya Hide
• Charity Case

And my personal favourite.....

SoFonda Cox!!!!!!!!!!

I've even found an online name-generator and worked out how to put it on my blog. Sweet Jesus, I need to find gainful paid employment...

Enjoy!

Sugar Snatch xxx

NEW ADDRESS

Michael and I are on the move, trading the community life of the West End for some ultra-chic urban livin' (or something) in the heart of Gastown, Vancouver's historic district which was settled by and named for the infamous 'Gassy Jack' - so called because of his habit of talking constantly. Well, I'm about to move into the area and believe you me (nod to Peter Kay there), when it comes to nattering they ain't seem nothin' yet... Our new pad is right on Water Street -home of the world-famous Gastown 'Steam Clock' (no, me neither...) pictured above. Our new place is right by the tree in the background. Anyway this steam clock, right, is totally steam-powered and every 15 mins lets off this funky steam-propelled tooting sound (the same chimes as Big Ben, incidentally). Given that this is going to be taking place about 30 yards from my bedroom window, expect the noisy little bleeder to be smased to pieces by an unknown vandal sometime in the next few weeks...

Anyhoo, as of 15th July our address will be:

#301 - 345 Water Street
Vancouver, BC
V6B 1B8

Tel: 604 682 4402 (no change)

The phone will be connected on Tuesday 18th July and I won't have internet access until then either.

Right, me and Madonna have some more packing to do...

xxx