Predators' Playground...

Phuket province is like a naturally beautiful woman who wears cheap, tacky clothes and too much make-up. Talcum-powder sand beaches and jade waters are punctuated with paragliders and jet-skis. Limestone cliffs and rolling hills are slashed by neon strip-lighting and towering hotels. Never have I seen an entire place that has evolved itself so entirely into catering to the desires of the planet's dominant species - the white man. Bare-knuckle boxing matches, some starring children as young as five, are easy to find. Illegal dog-fighting is rife. And the sex trade... well, it's something else. And all to keep the beer-swilling boys from Britain, Australia and America happy. You can't swing a tuk-tuk driver without hitting a fat old man with a young Thai girl/boy/ladyboy. I was walking down the street yesterday and came across a girl in a doorway in tears. She can't have been more than seventeen. I asked her if she was alright. As she looked up, I noticed a large red welt on her cheek. She told me she was hungry. So I bought her a sandwich and a coffee. Her name was Nina. She had been in a bar with an extremely drunk British man (this is 2 o'clock in the afternoon) who had offered money to have sex with her down an alleyway. He was so drunk he couldn't get an erection; to save his macho pride he punched her in the face and ran off so he didn't have to pay her. I sat with her for a while, and as I got up to leave Nina (still crying a little) stroked my thigh and simply said '500 baht?' After what had just happened to her she was still intent on earning her pay. A very sad and sobering experience, and one that makes me feel guilty for seeing the ping-pong show in Bangkok. I have contributed my pound to this industry and I feel terrible about it.

Even here though it's not hard to catch a glimpse of the real Thailand. Fantastic noodle shacks serving Phad Thai and steamed garlic shrimp are tucked away in between the Starbucks and the McDonalds. Little 'Soi' streets packed with old ladies shelling peas, cleaning fish and catching up on the gossip are visible in between the strips of go-go bars and mock-British pubs. A couple more days here until Denise arrives and then we're (finally, thankfully) off to see what else this beautiful country has to offer.

Sex Ed. Bangkok-style...

Oh. My. God. Last night I saw a woman:

1) Draw a picture
2) Fire darts at balloons
3) Open a bottle of coke and
4) Smoke a cigarette.

With her genitals.

Macchu Picchu may have been life-altering. Climbing the erupting volcano really was incredible. Snorkelling with sharks and manatees was so memorable. But this... THIS will stay with me for a very long time. In other news, I can also now add Copacabana and The Cheeky Song to my ever-expanding karaoke repertoire. You know you've had a good night when you wake up at 8am with a pink feather boa wrapped around your head... Time to leave Bangkok before I am forcibly removed.

Just wanted to share.

xx

Bangkok. But no sign of Sticky Vicky...

Bangkok - fuckin' nuts! Hotter than hell, smoggier than every other city on the planet combined and even busier than Hong Kong, which I didn't think was possible. Not entirely sure I like it yet but haven't done much exploring so I'll keep an open mind for now. Have spent two nights at the Pan Pacific hotel, courtesy of Wayne; he decided that he needed to ease himself gently into this travelling lark and for the past two days we have done nothing but order room service, sleep and drink Bombay Sapphire. Hotel is magnificent, without doubt the nicest, plushest place I have ever stayed. There is even a 'pillow menu' with 12 different types of pillows. You dial housekeeping and they bring it up for you! Fab. Had an interesting night last night... after sleeping most of the day, me and the boy wonder cracked (another) bottle of gin, drank most of it and headed out on the town. We took a cab and asked the cab driver to take us to a good bar where we could have a few sherries and a bit of a bop. We ended up in a place called 'Boyzone'; no sign of Ronan but there WERE a worrying amount of boys hanging around in their underwear. each with a number printed on them. It was a Goddamn brothel! I hung on to Wayne like my life depended on it, we down our bevvies and got the hell of there. Was well dodgy. I suppose you can't come to Thailand without at least a minor brush with the sex trade...

Found a pretty reasonable dance club and boogied the rest of the night away. Pestered the DJ to play Madge's new tune (OMG can that woman get any better???) and they played a ten minute Banarama megamix. A good night!

After being here for two days and seeing absolutely nothing, it's now time to head out for a bit of 'culcha'. Via the nearest mall, naturally...

Hugs

Johnny

ps) Wonder Woman has his own blog - check it out: waynewondertravels.blogspot.com

pps) Sam - ta for the message hon, send me your email address I have lost it.

Mwah! x

Hong Kong

Well, I FINALLY made it out of Canada. Christ knows I needed too; when I left South America my ass was the size of a pea and my bank balance was as fat as Jo Brand. By the time I managed to drag myself out of Vancouver the two had worryingly changed places... It's with a heavy heart that I leave. As if leaving the city I adore wasn't hard enough, falling in love made the difficult tragic. I know now where I want to be... and who I want to be with. I have never been so sure of anything in my life. I still plan to travel Asia and Australia, but the goalposts have changed now and my aim is to be back in Vancouver by March. Watch this space...

Anyhoo, Hong Kong. Fabulous, fabulous FABULOUS! What an incredible city. A brain-frying assualt on the senses, and a crazy mish-mash of tradition and modernity. I have been here for just 18 hours and I am infected with the buzz. I have already travelled extensively on the many different types of public transport (read: got hopelessly lost and spent the best part of four hours whizzing around aimlessly on subways, buses and trams - all because I wanted to save money and make my own way into the city from the airport rather than spend big bucks on a taxi). The flight from Vancouver was an ass-numbing 13 hours - combine that with a 15 hour time-zone jump and the result is one extremely tired, bearded and washed-out looking Brit. Body clock completely screwed so was up at 4.30am; watched the sun rise over the harbour, which was amazing. Decided to forego the lure of McDonalds and found me a local congee house for breakfast. No, I don't know what congee is either... Noone spoke English and the menu was in Cantonese - so I pointed at the only picture that looked vaguely familiar - what looked like a bowl of porride - and was rewarded with what turned out to be fish balls in fish stock with noodles. Just the ticket at 7am... Everything here is neon, and everything flashes. It's an incredible sight but is rather like being in a permanant state of epilepsy. Also, trying to sleep when your whole room is lit up like the Blackpool illuminations is a bit of a non-starter... The other mad thing is the sheer scale and grandeur - for example, I am currently in the 'public library'. Now, anyone reading this in England will obviously be picturing a shabby, sad sand-blasted 60's building with a couple of hundred books (most with the pages missing) and a 90 year old hunch-backed librarian. The Hong Kong version is a 12 storey glass and marble uber-structure with all-glass lifts that play tv commercials on the walls. I just went for a wee and the speaking-toilet (for it did indeed speak!) reminded to to flush - in three languages! Bizarre... Anyways, got five days here and plan to counter-attack the Canada flab by doing some serious hiking. That is, if I can resist the lure of Hong Kong Disneyland...

Juan xx

PS) Oooooh, almost forgot - there is a new 'girl' joining the party! My dear friend and Bombay Sapphire-drinking buddy Wayne (aka 'Wayne Wonder' or just 'The Wonder' to friends) is jetting out to meet me in Bangkok next week. Marvelous! 'Why the name Wonder?' I hear you ask? I don't know. The only wonder to me is how that old priss is going to cope living out of a backpack... This should be TRES amusing!