Greetings from Shagyasister, Utah!

OK so that's not the real name of the town, but it should be... Actually I am being unfair 'cos Utah is lovely. Spent the last few days driving the convertible through endless miles of deserts (have I spelt that right? Or is it 'desserts'? I'm sure the latter is desserts like ice-cream. Good to see that the A-Level in English was a wise move...) and canyons, blasting out the tunes. Has been amazing. Although at 120 degrees it's a wee bit on the toasty side for me... New York was incredible, didn't want to leave. Went to see 'The Producers', which was every bit as good as I expected and more.

Keeping this quick as net access here is 8 frickin' dollars an hour (compared to, like, 20p for three days in S America) - hence lack of email activity. I'm staying with Jen in Vancouver as of 6th August, so will be back with a vengeance then (when it's Jen who foots the bill - hooray for friends with houses and telephone lines!).

Petie Batts - will transfer money for ipod and phone when I get to Jen's, if that's OK? Let me know how much it is. Pam Pye and Smellie-Hellie - counting down the days til the wedding, so excited 'bout seeing you both again! Even if you will both be wearing meringues... Will be in touch soon to make final arrangements. Wendy-woo - soz not been in touch, hope you're well and my little baby Blackie is behaving herself. Tell her Daddy loves her! Tim - still not forgiven you for the SATC debacle... JR - hope you're well, I'll call you really soon. And Jo - still smiling babe, and I love you lots. Bird - tell me when you leave!

Miss you all tons

John xx

BRITISH BACKPACKER BOMB-PLOT FOILED!

OK, so the next time one of your friends asks you to do them a favour - Just Say No! Someone (yes Tim, that would be you) asked - neigh, begged - me to please please pretty please find Sarah Jessica Parker's apartment and have a photo taken on her stoop (no, that isn't some weird kinky part of the body; a stoop, apparantly, is the name given to the steps outside New York Brownstone houses. So now you know). So being the considerate young (hey! Still under 30 so shut it) man that I clearly am today I dully obliged, finding the address from a frankly scary internet Sex and the City fan-site ('so, did anyone notice in season 3 episode 2 that Carrie started the first scene in a pair of white silk Manolo Blahniks and then later on they were RED?! ' - I always thought such pitful obsessing was reserved for Deep Space 9 fans. How wrong I am). I then hauled my cookies all over Manhattan in serach of said stoop. OK if I'm being honest I was in Central Park and the street was right around the corner, but that's not the point. Anyways, I find the place and yes it's a brownstone and yes it has a 'stoop' so I wanders around taking photos. I'm not really a SATC fan (Samantha notwithstanding, for she is a Goddess and should have her own show as a spin-off. Like 'Joey'. Only funny). So to be honest I wasn't overly thrilled and I didn't really recognise the place anyway. But, it being a hot day I decide it would be nice to sit on the stoop for spell and sip my Snapple (try saying that when you're pissed), which I did, and I got out my little notebook-journal type thingy and started scribbling away. That was when the Policeman showed up. He parked his car right in front of me, got out and walked up to me, demanding to know what I was doing. It would seem that the owner of the house was returning home when she found a red-faced, sweaty, shaven-headed bloke loitering outside her house, taking photographs and making notes in a little black book. Clearly peturbed by this she went back to the corner and stopped a Policeman. I looked up the road and sure enough about 50 yards away behind a tree a nervous-looking elderly lady with big earrings was peering at me suspiciously. I tried to explain to the Policeman (who was quite a large, scary chap) about the photo of the stoop and he clearly didn't believe me because the stoop is actaully located in Greenwich about 50 blocks away. So it would seem that the sad fanatics are wrong. Ha! I shall return to the site and put them in their place. Anyway, in order to convince him I was a retarded tourist rather than a deranged extremist plotting to blow up a leafy side-street in upper Manhattan I ended up having to empty my backpack all over the pavement and also show him the photos I had taken. All in all, not a particularly successful venture. I should have just taken the official bloody SATC tour. OK so it's $35 but you get a complimentary Cosmopolitan and presumably finish the tour without almost getting arrested for suspected terrorism...

Weds 20th July, Sandusky Ohio

Downtown Sandusky, the very epitome of mid-west America. This place is such a cliche, I love it! Wooden porched houses, each flying the American flag. A place where it's perfectly normal to afflict your children with names such as Britney and Cody. Waitresses named Tammi (note the 'i' instead of the 'y') with huge back-combed hair and bad home dye-jobs wearily serving endless cups of cofee and calling you 'hon'. Hordes of kids wandering around with 'God is the Man!' t-shirts. And a misguided (and, frankly, scary) amount of patriotism. I was chatting to a guy yesterday who asked me if any of my family were involved in the London bombings (by 'involved' I am presuming he meant 'affected' rather than implying my Mum and Auntie Stella strapping expolosives to themselves and riding the Northern Line...). Because obviously I am British and therefore from London... Anyway, he proceded to tell me that he 'don't know what them darn terrorists are thinkin' cos we're just gonna rain it back down on 'em'. Quite. All this while I am waiting in a line behind a guy whose form of political expression is wearing a t-shirt with 'OSAMA BIN LADEN SUCKS! HIS FOLLOWERS SWALLOW!' T-shirt. Honestly, these people would probably spread some potted meat on a cracker and think it was an Hor D' Oeurve...

Anyway... Boat trip in the Bahamas was a bit of a 'mare - I discovered not 5 minutes into the sail that I do not have sea legs and spent the majority of my time feeling nauseas in my cabin. Jesus, it was rough. My only previous water-bound experience was on a 2,000 ton cruise liner and I foolishly thought a sea voyage on a 100-foot sail boat would be similar. You know, gentle rocking, lunchtime bingo and endless martinis. Oh no. Aside from the occassional glimpse of gin-clear waters through the window reminding me I was, in fact, in the Bahamas I felt like an extra in 'The Perfect Storm'. I did, however, have a fab week with Denise and I also learned some new things:

1) How to make beds with military precision.
2) The art of folding towells into pretty flower shapes.
3) Lying on the bed on your back, with arms and legs splayed out like a retarded starfish, is by
far the best way to avoid being flung across your cabin in the middle of the night.

In other news, I have had the most amazing three days at Cedar Point, the theme park I have been gagging to visit for years. It was just incredible. Imagine taking apart all the rides at Alton Towers and putting all the pieces back together to make one enormous mega-ride. And you wouldn't even be close to Top Thrill Dragster, which launches you at 120 MPH into a 420 foot 90 degree climb before dropping you, vertically, down the other side. Awesome! I also met some rather smashing chaps (hi John and Pat!) who adopted me on my first day. These guys are even bigger coaster freaks than me - we arrived at 8.30am on day 2 and didn't leave the park until 11.30pm, only stopping to (begrudgingly) eat once. That's 15 hours of rides! Those guys are seriously disturbed. Finally, I meet somebody on my wavelength...

So, I now have to drive back to Cleveland (being behind the wheel of a car again has been great. For me anyway. Probably not for the poor Yanks who have to endure my driving). Then an overnight Greyhound bus. Next stop - New York, New York! Start spreadin' the news, baby...

Bye for now

Juan xxx

Thurs 7th July.... Freeport, Grand Bahama!

Well, I'm here in the Bahamas and I have a hangover from HELL. Last night was so frickin' cool; as soon as I arrived and chose my cabin on the boat we hit the sundeck and drank many beers, me and Denise scaring the other crew members with our hysterical giggling. The Black Pearl, the enormous galleon built for the movie 'Pirates of the Caribbean', is docked practically next to the dive boat, which made a really cool backdrop. Went out to eat and then on to a casino before returning to the boat seriously hammered just after midnight. Everyone else went to bed, but me and Neice thought it woulod be a great idea to go and see the Black Pearl up close. So we did, except when we got there there was noone about so we ended up actually breaking on to the ship and scampering around, climbing the rigging and taking millions of photos. I was hellbent on climbing the 100 feet up to the crow's nest but thankfully Neice talked me out of it. We were so drunk we couldn't even remember how to get off (the boat is in dry dock, which means it's completely out of the water). How we got out without falling off I'll never know. Would've been in SO much trouble if we'd been caught.

Being back with Denise is ace and has made me even more excited (if not a little worried!) about travelling together in Asia. It is so weird to see her in this environment, scurrying around the dive deck in a bikini and throwing lines and hollering odd phrases like 'stern is ten feet past the split!' Such a transformation from the designer-suited career-bitch I met a few years ago. It's inspiring. So, we're in dry dock for a week which means my Bahamian experience will consist of drinking beers in an industrial dockyard but I don't really mind cos it's costing me nowt and I get some time with me buddy. We then sail for two days to George Town with no passengers, which will be awesome. The crew have already decided they are taking me out on a dive on the way. We'll see about that...

Julie and Caroline - ta for the comment, glad you girls are having fun and doing South America in style! Drop me an email and let me know what you've been up to:

juanbo1@hotmail.co.uk

xx

Tuesday 5th July 2005 - Miami

Yep, that's right - Miami. Not originally on the old agenda but ooh, how things change... I suddenly realised that Belize is only, like, a stones throw from the Bahamas (well it is if you're Superman). And DENISE is currently working in the Bahamas... you do the math. So today I have spent five (count 'em) hours at Belize airport trying to change my flights, arguing with the check in staff and generally getting extremely worked up. All worth it though because tomorrow I fly to the Bahamas to spend 9 days on the dive boat with Denise! After which I will go up to Ohio and New York on my own and then fly out to LA for my original road trip round Calfornia for ten days as planned. Best thing is the only real cost has been the flight to Bahamas and back (150 quid) and just 75 quid to change my flights around. Denise, God bless her, has managed to blag me on the boat with bed and board for the princely sum of nought pounds. Result! What I am not factoring in is the extortionate amount I shall spend in the Bahamas drinking many beers and cocktails out of hollowed out coconuts but sod it - this girl has not done any partying for the last two months and she's ready to let her hair down. Will be a bit scary in thew US of A all alone, particularly since I am hiring a car and driving from Cleveland to NY on me tod (providing I CAN hire a car; my license went through the wash a few weeks ago and looks like a particularly bad counterfeit...). So, the adventure continues! Feel all giddy and excited, although I have as yet to get out of the air-conditioned luxury of the airport so we'll see how long THAT lasts...

Not really time or energy to update on what I've been up to, 'cept to say that Tikal was simply fantastic, I did a jungle canopy trail (like an ariel slide through the jungle treetops) and got a bug stuck in my bandana half way down and ended up freaking out and coasting along and smashing into the platform backwards and upside down, did a terrifying caving trip where we had to swim through two miles of caves in the pitch black in freezing cold water and (best of all) went snorkelling with manatees and eight foot sharks. All pretty darn cool (christ, in America for two hours and already adoptibng the lingo...). After all that will be nice to kick back on the boat for a week. Although Denise has warned me that in return for the freebie I may have to contribute by doing a bit of work. Like, what-EVER!!!!

Be in touch soon

John xx