The Trail of Destruction! (AKA 'The Itinerary'...)

Finally - here's the full itinerary for the trip (prepare to be dazzled by my advanced skill in using MS Paint...)

It's a bit small, so click on the image to open it full screen. You can then click 'back' to return to this page.



May:

Rio de Janeiro - Sao Paulo - Lima (Peru) - Cusco and Machu Picchu - Lake Titicaca - Caracas (Venezuela) - Angel Falls

June:

Caracas - Guataemala - Belize

July:

North America: Las Vegas - Monument Valley - Los Angeles - Toronto - Niagara Falls - Cedar Point, Ohio - New York

August:

Vancouver - Banff (Pam's wedding!)

September/October/November/December:

Hong-Kong - Vietnam - Cambodia - Thailand - Malaysia - Indonesia - Bali

January - May:

Australia - New Zealand... home!

Life for Rent...

Another night, another drunken blog-entry. So sue me. Feelin a bit blue tonight - like I ought to go and sit on my porch (work with me) and play my harmonica... I am moving out of my house in 5 days and the place looks like Beirut. Only in place of the debris of war is the debris of my life; you can't take three steps without stubbing a toe on a relic of my past. It's quite emotional, really. My beloved clothes are now in four distinct groups; a bag for Pete (that boy is gonna look SO swanky for the next 12 months), a bag for the charity shop, a bag for storage (sorry, but some things are just too classy to make an appearance in 'Help the Aged') and a (depressingly tiny) bag for the trip. It's weird seeing all the things you've collected along the way get dispersed like that. I have also spent the WHOLE day arranging for utilities to be disconnected and contracts to cease. Talk about reality check! On the plus side, today I also booked a four-day hike along the Inca Trail in Peru to the ruins of Machu Picchu. It was a bit hairy as you're really supposed to apply 75 days in advance to the Peruvian government and thought it just wasn't gonna happen... but after some serious email brown-nosing I finally got confirmed on a trip and I'm SO excited! I'll obviously be posting my own pics soon enough but for now here's a little taster

Enjoy!

Juan x

The ruins up close

The ruins at Machu Picchu - how stunning?

Gentlemen Prefer Balds...

Tonight Matthew I'm going to be.... Uncle Fester!!!!

Well, I've joined the ranks of Brad Pitt, David Beckham and, er, Sigourney Weaver in 'Alien 3' - I am bald! I had my head shaved for charity last week at work. OK, so I'm not strictly 'bald' - I got a number 1 - but my rapidly decreasing hairline (check out that widow's peak!) means that even though there's a smattering of fuzz on there you have to have a keen eye to spot it... The whole thing was nowhere near as traumatic as I had imagined - which to a drama-queen like me is a MAJOR disappointment. For WEEKS now I have been bleating on to anyone who'll listen about my impending loss, readying myself for hysterical laughter from everyone I meet and even preparing to spend countless hours glumly stroking my shiny head (leave it!). So, has this terrible catastrophe occurred? Have I been allowed to wallow in my very own Shakespearean Tragedy? Oh no. Everyone just looks at it for a bit and goes 'oh.... looks OK dunnit?' What a friggin' anti-climax. The only person who displayed a reaction bordering on satisfactory was Joanne, who screamed the house down. I can always rely on Jo to indulge my inner-Diva...

Anyways whether it suits me or not it HAD to go. I simply CANNOT bear the thought of wheezing through the white-hot wilds of Guatemala, several hundred miles away from the nearest bottle of L'Oreal, with a sweaty, greasy mullet plastered to my forehead. And don't even get me started on venturing out in public without a full compliment of styling products tarting up my barnett... Thanks to everyone who sponsored me - in total I raised nearly £650 for Saint Catherine's Hospice. I did consider donating the money the the 'John Needs A New Back-Pack And They're @!*%"!@* Expensive' Foundation but on reflection I decided the need of the Hospice is (marginally) greater...

THINGS I'LL MISS ABOUT MY HAIR:

• The way it bounces when I run for the bus
• How it glistens in the early morning sun as I throw my head back in raucous laughter
• Running my fingers through it seductively as I catch the eye of a handsome stranger

Sorry, I am momentarily lost in a Pantene-advert fantasy...

THINGS I MOST CERTAINLY WILL NOT MISS:

• Its narky temperament; like the way that if I put too LITTLE wax on it fluffs up like a bad afro and makes me look like Foxy Cleopatra...
• And the way that if I put too MUCH wax on it goes all chip-pan chic
• And the way 'too much wax' and 'too little wax' varies wildly depending on its mood
• The widow's peak that was so severe you could wedge a door with it and the bald patch the size of Texas...

On balance, although I look like a thug (until I move or speak, that is...) I think this was definitely the right move. Goodbye my thinning old friend - I shall miss our turbulent relationship.

Juan-cle Fester x

God, so much has happened since my last entry I don’t know where to begin… I guess the most significant thing (out of a vast number of significant things…) is that… the trip is booked! I believe the acronym is 'OMG' (that's 'Oh My God!' for those of you not familiar with internet chatrooms...). It’s actually been booked for nearly two weeks now – the reason I have taken so long to update this page is that in booking the trip I have started off a snowball of events that has meant literally every spare minute has been taken up. I have never, ever in my entire life been so busy – mainly sorting out all the crucial elements of a world tour, such as making sure all my fave music is loaded onto my MP3 player and shopping for shoes that are sturdy enough to withstand a mudslide (they’re quite common in Peru, so I’m told…) yet versatile enough to be teamed with cargo trousers and a cotton shirt for the occasional formal meal… In other news, The Spanish ‘course’ is going good, and continues to furnish me with essential snippets of the language. I can now add talking about my fictional family (‘este mi sobrino; tiene cinco anos!’) to my impressive portfolio of conversational bon mots… I can also ask for any number of bread rolls. So long as it’s not more than a hundred. Check ME out!

The other pretty major occurrence is I got someone to rent my house. I think I should be excited… and I am… but… it’s weird. Renting my house is crucial to this trip; my mortgage is £stupidamount.permonth and if I DON’T rent then it technically halves the amount of time I can travel (look at me pretending I have budgeted…). I think it’s just that I am giving so much up, and this house is such a big symbol of what the last 12 months has been for me… And also, I LOVE it here. It’s mine. And the thought of someone else being here… Grrrrrr. GRRRRRRRR! Funny thing is, I have met the lady who will be renting (for the first six months at least) and I really like her. She’s cool. I guess she’s just not me ;-)

Anyway friends, I will post my itinerary as soon as PETE BATTERSBY (yes you, Peter) gets his hoochy ass in gear and shows me how to load a map onto this page. I have to say, the site is looking rather fabulous, but is lacking a certain visual flair. So Mary (that’s Pete’s middle name, you know) – sort it 'aht!

Un placer como siempre, mis queridos!

El el y unico.... Juan! x